when the last time you sat for a major exam was in 2003 and you were taking the PSLE, the only logical thing to do now is to panic. i feel guilty for starting way too late into the year, angry at those who made it all look so easy, exhausted from trying to breathe right nowadays and above all, laughably, woefully inadequate. a part of me doesn't want to go through all of this only to find out the hard way what a failure i really am. then again, i really wouldnt want to spend the rest of my life working behind a Macdonald's counter. ah fuck it, i'll just have to take this sucker heads on, with guns blazing. till then, world.

hokay. sunday is my official slack day so here goes:  my dad has decided he is going to bring in an English Mastiff to breed with Happy. my boy is going to turn into a man. (period instead of an exclamation mark due to mixed emotions) ugh and my zoo has expanded again to include 2 stingrays and a sea turtle. haha my dad still refuses to tell my mum the price of the stingrays though. i don't think i want to know either. but they do look beautiful swimming about in the aquarium, especially in the night. 

ok peace out, imma gonna get my eyes checked now.
 

3 hours ago i told myself to study.
3 hours later, im finished with American Gods and chemistry is looking very menacing staring at me from the corner of the room.
i spent 6 dollars on organic and inorganic chemistry: a comprehensive summary and im banking on it to cram 2 years worth of chem syllabus after dinner. Pang Peng Cheong, dont let me down!
i think i'll make an awesome storybook reader if there's even such an occupation.
nabei.fuck.cb, imma so dead for tmr.
but failure doesn't scare me as much now. they're like.....inoculations i guess: temporary pain in exchange for a lifetime(or less) of immunity. not a bad deal.
damnit im made for bigger things than school.
spewing crap is fun.

 

i have just wasted another weekend away.
friday was spent watching the heartbreakingly poignant time traveller's wife, and in an attempt to prolong my self-inflicted misery, i reread the book again. and then i came across a page i marked out with a dog ear a long long time ago. and a paragraph on it read:

"Do you ever miss him?"
"Every day. Every minute."
"Every minute," she says.
"Yes, it's that way, isn't it?"

it was then that i remembered why i don't read romance anymore.



 

i don't know what i want in life. and i'm scared. there's nothing im fiercely passionate about, nothing i'm willing to give my life up for, with neither any gifts nor talents, no big dreams. nothing. at eighteen, im really eighty and  i have absolutely nothing to look forward to. wtf man.

today i learnt that you can hear your heart beat especially clearly when your ears are plugged. and somehow, that ends up being even more distracting than a million people talking all at once.

oh and happy twentieth, ass, go back to your own room already.

how dare you, you fat ignorant lesbian butch, with neither IQ nor EQ to speak of, tell us how we should be and act in the face of failure. who do you think you are, sittting there, passing idle judgements and coming to your own witless, senseless conclusion that the reason for our failure was our lack of mental fortitude. of course, there are always going to be inevitable moments of self-doubt, but that's exactly what a team is for right; to be there at the frontline cheering you on, rooting for you and making up for any misplaced courage.
you know what lumsiewchin, you are wrong, so very wrong. each and everyone of us went up there that day, gave our 110, and fought. some of us weren't exactly in our top elements, and we're probably not as comfortable with a million pair of eyes looking on as some other attention whores on the other side of the table are, but what truly mattered was that we wanted it, and we fought to win. yes, they may have responded better to the pressure, they may have fought AND won. but these things happen, you don't just win just because you prayed to your god, whining and begging and pleading with him at 6 in the morning, on the day of your finals. wake up, grow up. we're no longer five, we dont get everything we wish for. we weren't defeated by ourselves, or you for that matter, you who made us out to be so inadequate, incompetent...worthless. so you go ahead and fuck your lesbian self alright, i hope it burns when you get infected with some new homosexual STD.