Today was an insignificant day, in a non dramatic, not entirely unimportant way. Yet somehow, I managed to completely lose myself in the course and at the end of it, I have absolutely no idea what I am doing anymore. There's a horrible weight in my chest: It's part sadness and part anger, stemming from what I would assume a sense of injustice and a lack of empathy/ forgiveness; neither of which I can say I deserve, which only seems to make me sadder and angrier about my own unworthiness; and probably a feeling of loss, intangible but destructive all the same. Ok, I realise how convoluted and incoherent that sounded . But what I'm trying to say is, I didn't sign up for such a day when I woke up this morning. But then again, life goes on.

P/S: Dear livejournal.com and everyone, well, dear to me, sorry I haven't been here often enough these days.

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I hope you're at a happier place now. Love you always, handsome. Xoxo

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So this is what it feels like to be in an ambulance. Fear. Fear of losing someone who has grown so familiar, whose presence has become a source of comfort and joy. Fear of permanence, not in existence but in death. Fear of pain, the excruciating, piercing gut wrenching kind, and also the small dull ache-the kind that continues to haunt you, assuming you make it through the blinding agony in the first place. Fear of realising how ugly and selfish I actually am, of rejecting the idea of watching someone I have grown to love and depend on die in front of me. It's unfair how this isn't release for me at all. It just isn't. I feel so helpless just watching Happy this way. It's not supposed to be this way for anyone. Life is not supposed to be this trying.

The stench of piss and shit and an overriding sense of fear filling the air in the ambulance is making me even more afraid now, is that normal or just a display of weakness on my part. I think he's frightened lying there in the back alone too, with all the scratching and tearing. Fcuk, I wish the music would stop playing now, my head's about to explode. Please, anyone, human or not, make this better. Make Happy better. Please.

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happiness is seriously draining. i am beyond exhausted now but still, i cant believe we did it sisterrrrrssssss:)

Tom: Look, we don't have to put a label on it. That's fine, i get it. But, you know, i just.. i need some consistency
Summer: I know.
Tom: i need to know that you're not going to wake up in the morning and feel differently.
Summer: And i can't give you that. Nobody can.

Dear Diary,
 

i stepped on a frog today while getting my breakfast. it feels exactly like how you would imagine a frog to feel under your feet, sticky, cold and not all that uncomfortable actually. the frog didn't die completely but i reckoned something inside it did die a little.i washed my feet about 4 times after which i downed an entire bottle of nutella to calm my nerves. work has been.......dulling and i cant wait for the 10th of feb when all the kaching! will come rolling in. anyways. the imaginarium of doctor parnassus(sp?) was a really odd show but i enjoyed it nonetheless. ok back to life.

love,

Lev Grossman is an awesome writer. The magicians is ten times cooler than harry potter. well of course harry potter is more enchanting and magical and all, but i'd like to imagine magic as a product of abnormally high intelligence and sheer determination and not as frothy and bubbly as all the wand waving and flicking in potter. anyway the book is really really beyond cool. anyone who reads this please go buy the book or something.


Quentin knew he wasn't happy. Why not? He had painstakingly assembled the ingredients of happiness. He had performed all the necessary rituals, spoken the words, lit the candles, made the sacrifices. But happiness, like a disobedient spirit, refused to come. He couldnt think of what else to do.